Sunday, August 12, 2012

Dobby's Sleepytime Potion

I am no stranger to insomnia. In fact, I estimate that I have trouble sleeping at least 3 nights per week. In my frequent state of nonsleepitude, I believe I have created the perfect formula for sleeps. And it is my great pleasure to share it with you.

You will need:
*Chamomile tea (or some other herbal tea)
*Milk (organic tastes the best.)
*Honey (optional)
*A mug (for to drink with)
*A microwave (to heat that shit up)
*Probably a spoon (to mix that shit up)
*A pill of melatonin (or, if you wanna be really hard core and chemical, you can use a legit sleeping pill.)
*A banana (for eats)

Here's what you do.
1.You put some water into your mug. Fill it about 3/4 of the way up, because you will need room for milk.

2.You microwave the water for 2 minutes (or just bust out your already-boiling water and pour it into your mug with the tea bag already inside. I have learned the awkward way that some people do that.) and then you slap that tea bag inside the water.
 This is my actual tea bag that I actually used to make this concoction.  
This is me actually steeping my tea bag into my actual mug of hot water. Aren't you proud to know me.

3.You steep it for however long it says. (This is the optional part where you can add the honey, if you so desire.)
I did not, because we are running low on honey.

I always like to think that the tea bag is a fat person sinking themselves into a hot tub.

4.You grab the milk, and you fill up the mug the rest of the way with the milk. Mix it with the spoon. (I decided to be a hardcore bad ass and not use a spoon at all. Like a boss.)
We are also out of organic is time for a trip to the grocery store.
This is what your potion should look like.
The milk will cool down the tea, and the tea will warm the milk. You get like this perfect concoction of sleepy tea and warm milk. I am a fucking genius. 
This is what you should look like drinking it.

Except you'll probably look more like you.

 This is what you should look like after drinking it.
Like a fucking stoner who can barely keep her eyes open.

To ensure proper sleepitude, you shall now nom the melatonin. If you wanna be a hardcore bad ass, you may drop your melatonin into the tea, so you don't have to swallow it separately. But it'll probably make it taste funny.
After you have nommed your sleepsy medication, you then nom the banana. Potassium is sleep fuel. That shit'll knock you out.

Look how artfully I arranged my banana and melatonin.

Tips and Warnings:
  •  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, forget to use the bathroom the morning after drinking this. I cannot stress this enough. You will have to pee like a BITCH. 
  •  Brush your teeth immediately after drinking my potion, or else when you wake up your mouth will taste all grimy and milky.
  • If you're up late, I suggest turning your TV to TeenNick to watch Hey Arnold! or Doug. These shows are not that exciting. Plus they add the comfort of your childhood. You'll just want to curl up and sleep.
  • Speaking of childhood, you could completely revert back to it and grab your copy of *Goodnight Moon*. It helped you sleep when you were five, so why not now?
  • If you find you are still too hyped up to sleep, try saying *One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four...* over and over again in your head. 
  • Music. Close your eyes and let it feed your soul.
Sleep well, my little angels!

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I thought of something funnier than 24.


Also knitting. That is the fifth bonerific thing.

I'm like a total knitting addict now. Well sort of. I made a really crappy tea towel. But now I'm all bored of it...bluh it'll get super interesting again probably.
            And I was a total fucking addict. I'd put it down and then I'd be like *Just one more row...just one more...I can stop anytime I want...* And all I really know how to do is the simple knit stitch, as my mother calls it, so everything I make kinda looks boring. But that's okay cuz I made it ALL BY MY FUCKING SELF. And look how fancy knitting can be!
Pretty fucking fancy!
So I spent my days knitting all awesomely like this.
La la la I'm just a fancy knitter la la la
But I finished my tea towel and I started a new project. Then my ADD kicked in and I got bored of it real quick.
This was supposed to be scarf. I started it a week or two ago and I haven't picked it up in like...a week or two...I think I might call it quits and say it's a potholder.
But I am sure to pick it up again because one does not simply STOP knitting.

The sixth thing that makes me fungasm is pigs. More specifically teacup pigs. Sometimes I pretend to be super rich, and I pretend Daddy's going to get me a teacup pig for my birthday, so I google *teacup pigs for sale* and read all about them and "pick one out". It is a lot funner than it sounds. Plus look how adorable they are.
(That last one is probably just a regular pig.)

I heard my mom talking on the phone today and she said *My husband bought an entire hog!*. I was like
but then she said *I don't know what he's THINKING! We don't have the freezer room!*

It then became clear to me that my father did not make my hopes and dreams come true by buying me a real, live pig, but had instead bought us a dead one for eats. My face fell.
So we are going to have pork for dinner for the next few months, and I will not have a live pig. But that's okay. There is always the internet.

You know what else I love. This little guy from Hyperbole and a Half.
The Alot. Isn't he adorable.
Clickity click on it and it will take you to wonderful happy land.

Now I must go, my tea is beckoning to me. Goodbye, my dears!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Awesome and epically amazing things.

Things I have a total boner for lately:
               1.Trees. They are amazing.
I've never been a big fan of flowers. Floral prints make me nauseous. But there is not a chick in the world who doesn't appreciate some form of plant. I choose trees.

Trees are so much more awesome than flowers. Flowers are pussy shits that break easily. But a tree stands tall and strong. I have never seen someone kill a fully grown tree by stepping on it. If you want to kill a tree, you have to call lumber people or some shit to come and cut that shit down. A lumber crew is not required to kill a flower. Plus, trees are so much more awesome-looking than flowers.

Look how tall and strong that shit is.
This pussy ass flower cannot compare.

2.The sky/space/galaxy/anything up there
I have googled *universe* just to stare at all those breathtaking pictures. Also there are clothes. Like this tank top.

And these leggings.
And this dress.
I would wear that shit so hard.

Also look how pretty these pictures are.

They could all be fakes done by 19-year-old porn stars who hate boxing and I would not care because they are just SOOOOOO PREEEEEETTYYYYYYYYY~

3.Shit relating to the brain, like neurology, psychology, and the like (lol I sound so fancy. "and the like" XP)
I just wanna like...figure out the human brain. I don't know. I can't explain it. It's just so damn interesting.
Also look what I found. Dopamine Jewelry. It's this place that crystallizes chemical substances, like serotonin and shit, then photographs them through a polarized light microscope and then YOU GET SEXY BRAIN JEWELRY.
Also look at this sweet "toggle necklace" that my fiance will buy me when I am working as a neurologist or probably just a psychiatrist but he will buy it to express his insane, passionate love for me because dopamine is believed to be the chemical responsible for romantic love.

Plus look what else I found while googling *dopamine jewelry*. The Psych Store. It's got the same kind of sexy brain shit to wear.
A neuron necklace! How delightfully nerdy.


...You all know how I feel about boxing. If I ultimately fail in becoming a brain person, I shall be an underground fighter. Here's the chain of fail:
Neuroscientist--->Psychiatrist--->Psychologist--->Actress--->Underground Fighter--->Prostitute--->Hobo.
An actress is on the same lines of "brain person" because it's still kinda human-behaviory.

...I believe it is time for this post to come to an end. If I think of other bonerific things, I shall tell you later. I'm done talking to you now.


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Artsy Daydreaming Interlude

Yet another one of my day-dreamy alter egos is Dobby, the world-famous artist. (My friends call me Dobby. You wish your nickname was that awesome.) Like my other alter egos, I'd r


...Like my other alter egos, I'd ride a motorcycle to work. Except in this daydream, it's not a really real motorcycle. It's this.
A fucking vespa. Cuz I'm fucking artsy.

And I work at an art studio in Soho.
And I also have an art studio in my big ass apartment, for whenever I don't feel like driving to the studio downtown.

And I draw shit like this.
This is actually made by someone named Omeguis on Deviant Art. Look how awesome it is. Bask in its awesomeness.

And this.
Google *Cuddly Rigor Mortis*. Do it NOW.

 And because I'm so fucking artsy, I need to look as such.
With the piercings and the hair. And such. I'd be so fucking pretty. And my boyfriend looks like this.
And my agent. She is this.
She's pretty and nice. And I make lotsa money with her around.

In my spare time, I teach an art class for kids down at the studio.
 They love me because I am awesome.

At nights, I relax with some fancy chamomile tea and a good romance novel. I call my best friend, who is an interior designer, and we discuss artsy things. Then I get in my sexy Mickey Mouse pajamas
  and settle into bed.

Also in this daydream I have a cat.
Her name is Sparkles. Isn't she cute?

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Happy America Day and random blog posting.

Yesterday was what normal people call the Fourth of July. It was 104 degrees and dry out where I am, so we didn't get to shoot off any fireworks. However, I did get to see a firework display downtown (which I guess was done safely by professionals or some shit, because there was like a state-wide ban on fire things and the government did not shut down the display). Also I made a set which I will whore out to you right now.

Yeah, I know you don't give a flying fuck, but you were forced to look at that set. >:D HAHA I'M SO EVIL~

Okay, so I've been reading Artsy Like Athena, my best friend's blog, and comparing hers to mine. And I noticed that in her posts, she tends to stay on one topic. Like THE WHOLE POST is about ONE topic. And mine are all *Look, I just read Arkham Asylum. Now here's what my life would be like if I fought illegally for money.* and *I have extra testosterone in my body. I don't understand Colombiana, so here is a German who doesn't understand daddy long legs.* and *Yesterday was America Day. Lol my blog is so random.* My synapses just like fire all over my blog posts. They completely lose control. They just don't know when to stop.

I realize that this is also a random subject change, but it's like 3am and I have got some major munchies. Also I can't sleep, so I should probably drag my tired ass to the kitchen and drink that chamomile tea I bought exactly for this purpose. I hope it doesn't taste like shit. I have heard people say it tastes like shit.

...I should probably, y'know, go...drink that*awkwardly slinks out of room*