Sunday, August 12, 2012

Dobby's Sleepytime Potion

I am no stranger to insomnia. In fact, I estimate that I have trouble sleeping at least 3 nights per week. In my frequent state of nonsleepitude, I believe I have created the perfect formula for sleeps. And it is my great pleasure to share it with you.

You will need:
*Chamomile tea (or some other herbal tea)
*Milk (organic tastes the best.)
*Honey (optional)
*A mug (for to drink with)
*A microwave (to heat that shit up)
*Probably a spoon (to mix that shit up)
*A pill of melatonin (or, if you wanna be really hard core and chemical, you can use a legit sleeping pill.)
*A banana (for eats)

Here's what you do.
1.You put some water into your mug. Fill it about 3/4 of the way up, because you will need room for milk.

2.You microwave the water for 2 minutes (or just bust out your already-boiling water and pour it into your mug with the tea bag already inside. I have learned the awkward way that some people do that.) and then you slap that tea bag inside the water.
 This is my actual tea bag that I actually used to make this concoction.  
This is me actually steeping my tea bag into my actual mug of hot water. Aren't you proud to know me.

3.You steep it for however long it says. (This is the optional part where you can add the honey, if you so desire.)
I did not, because we are running low on honey.

I always like to think that the tea bag is a fat person sinking themselves into a hot tub.

4.You grab the milk, and you fill up the mug the rest of the way with the milk. Mix it with the spoon. (I decided to be a hardcore bad ass and not use a spoon at all. Like a boss.)
We are also out of organic is time for a trip to the grocery store.
This is what your potion should look like.
The milk will cool down the tea, and the tea will warm the milk. You get like this perfect concoction of sleepy tea and warm milk. I am a fucking genius. 
This is what you should look like drinking it.

Except you'll probably look more like you.

 This is what you should look like after drinking it.
Like a fucking stoner who can barely keep her eyes open.

To ensure proper sleepitude, you shall now nom the melatonin. If you wanna be a hardcore bad ass, you may drop your melatonin into the tea, so you don't have to swallow it separately. But it'll probably make it taste funny.
After you have nommed your sleepsy medication, you then nom the banana. Potassium is sleep fuel. That shit'll knock you out.

Look how artfully I arranged my banana and melatonin.

Tips and Warnings:
  •  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, forget to use the bathroom the morning after drinking this. I cannot stress this enough. You will have to pee like a BITCH. 
  •  Brush your teeth immediately after drinking my potion, or else when you wake up your mouth will taste all grimy and milky.
  • If you're up late, I suggest turning your TV to TeenNick to watch Hey Arnold! or Doug. These shows are not that exciting. Plus they add the comfort of your childhood. You'll just want to curl up and sleep.
  • Speaking of childhood, you could completely revert back to it and grab your copy of *Goodnight Moon*. It helped you sleep when you were five, so why not now?
  • If you find you are still too hyped up to sleep, try saying *One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four...* over and over again in your head. 
  • Music. Close your eyes and let it feed your soul.
Sleep well, my little angels!